It is difficult to set boundaries with anyone. Especially if you’re shy or scared of the repercussions of speaking up. In this case, it is difficult to set boundaries with your friends if you are their ‘therapist’ or ‘go-to’ person for certain things. You may feel like you are potentially letting your friends down by uttering the word ‘no’.
But it comes to a point when neglecting yourself by putting others first becomes heavily taxing on your mental and physical health. If you are at a point of feeling weary of socialising with your friends due to the anticipation of emotional tax, then it is time to set your boundaries.
It’s important to know that you’re not the only one who goes through this, it’s actually pretty common. A lot of us just do not know how to even utter the word ‘no’ when asked for a favour.
This is especially true if you are like me, and love making people happy. But this should never come at a cost. You can still keep your authenticity, feel whole and be a good friend.
So I have written a compassionate list of things you can do to set boundaries whilst keeping your valuable friendships.
“If you are silent about your pain, they’ll kill you and say you enjoyed it .” – Zora Neale Hurston.
Value your time
There are times when you and your friends are at different points in your life. And that is okay. Establishing and maintaining adult friendships is difficult. Because unlike in your teenage years, you no longer have similar routines.
Of course, you should always try to be there for your friends during their special events. However, if it not possible or you just do not have the energy to do this. Then having an open conversation with them should be enough. For example, your friend whom you have not seen in weeks would love to see you and catch up with you on a Friday evening after work, but you are spent and this work week has taken a toll on you. The best course of action is to acknowledge how you feel, which is tired and then communicate this with your friend and plan to meet another day,
Establish boundaries through open communication and letting your friends know when you are free for them. If your friends value you, they will respect this and act in conjunction with your time and vice versa.
Value your mental health
Think of how you feel after speaking to or hanging out with your friends. Do you feel drained and unbothered after a phone call? Do you wish you could be home when you are out with them? If so, then you may need to assess why that is. In most cases, friends should add value to your life and prove why life is worth living again. This is a dramatic perspective, but it is to show that your friends should re-energize you, they should not cause you to burn out.
Do not be afraid to speak up because great friends will admire and respect your authenticity.
By acknowledging how you feel after your interaction with them, you will be able to figure out if the friendship is generally good for you. When you’re adulting the majority of your week, you do not want to feel drained after spending time with your friends. You are supposed to feel good and replenished after a long week.
So ask yourself if your friends are still your safe space. If not, avoid conversations that may upset you, by letting them know how it affects you. Good friends would understand. Needy and emotionally draining friends won’t.
Value yourself
When you value and respect your wants and needs, you become more familiar with what you do and do not tolerate. Take time to yourself to understand what you currently need from your friends, this way you can establish boundaries that are authentic to you.
Also, ask yourself, can you rely on them as much as they rely on you? But also remember that nobody owes you anything, and YOU also do not owe anyone anything.
Relationships shouldn’t be transactional.
If you are a giving person, then you deserve to be yourself. Just be mindful that you are not emptying your cup to fill somebody else’s.
Keep an open mind and be compassionate
If your friends do not value your boundaries, maybe have a compassionate conversation and ask why? A good friend wants you to be happy, and if setting boundaries will make you happy, then your friends should respect that. Trust your instincts and value your feelings, as that is the ultimate self-care.
Be prepared for some people to still not honour your boundaries, even if you do have a conversation with them more than once
100% you are right. Sometimes it is difficult to let people go. But your own mental well-being should take precedence. Especially if your boundaries are not being respected!
Wow, what a great topic that literally never gets talked about! It can be hard when people are needy because they do it out of love but space is space girl, I need it LOL Great post!!
That’s a great point, a lot of the time people are just needy out of love. It only really becomes a problem when they dont respect boundaries that you put in place. Boundaries that a lot of the time, we put up out of love too lol!
Good friends are willing to respect boundaries and often offer forth boundaries of their own. I love it when I find people with whom open-mindedness, respect, and value for each other and ourselves goes both ways.
Thanks so much for sharing this! 🙂
When everyone in a friend group has put forth their boundaries 😍
It’s unfortunate to have few friends that can value all of these. As a friend, boundaries should be respected. I’ve had a couple of friends that are not in the safe space and I have to let go of the friendship.
Very true, some people won’t respect your boundaries at all. In an extreme scenario, they may ignore all your boundaries and shamelessly let you know that they do not care to respect you. I’ve also let some people go due to this, and it is so liberating. Because there is no easy way to help other without helping yourself first!